feel bad. bad inside. tongue feels funny.

had another dream about being chased by police. i guess because i've been driving more often and you all know my luck with that. but in this dream I broke out of prison. different from other breaking out of prison dreams, though, i had to kill two people to get out. i don't remember why i was in prison but it was something stupid, where if i had just waited around for a few months i would have been out. there was no conscious decision made to break out, no planning, it was.. it was like a whim but more dangerous, it was one of those moments where, looking back, you realize that your whole life was decided in that instant, but you didn't think about it at all. it was.. arbitrary. i have dreams about the arbitrariness of inevitability. a third person had chased me down a small creek in the woods, he had a rifle but was instructed not to kill me, so i got him close enough and disarmed him. i would have killed him too but like in all my dreams guns never work for me. they never hit what i aim at, or the trigger is too tight, they never work. i had to take him down bare handed and throw him down some stone steps. the rest of the dream was being on the run. not actively running, because let's face it, it's still pretty easy to disappear in this world. until id tags are grafted into our skin it's pretty easy to disappear and not to be found. i was eventually caught because i let someone have my name and information, something stupid, like at a retail store, something that happens every day. and i knew that i might get caught for it but i did it anyway. if everything was arbitrary up to then then being caught would be arbitrary too. the guy came back with two marshals and i just held out my arms for the cuffs and said hi. they didnt have cuffs, though. they werent very prepared. i started thinking about all that had happened and how none of it felt real. i wasnt thinking that it felt like a dream. i was thinking that none of life feels real, that things happen, they just happen, and you follow the road youre being led down and if something else had happened instead then everything would be different. i wouldnt be going to die or going to be locked up forever. and somewhere there is another me who wasnt lead down this road and he has no idea of this possibility. how can we be held accountable for our actions if we never chose anything? how can anyone pretend theyre god long enough to impose more limitations on an existence that is already confined and narrow.. for what does this prove, how does it benefit the world. so I killed a few people. this isnt my life. i am dreaming this. it's just a dream, and how could anyone try to take my dreamlife away from me?

(no subject)

and there is so little to fight for, see? so little that it is possible to fight against. in the end youre dragged back to inevitability, kicking and screaming or not.