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[personal profile] andalus
   SHIVA

These are the words
they fall
dropping the words are
angels
the sort with wings
they fall onto stones
and break
they break open
out pours water
water pours
out pours water
the dead are cleansed

Date: 2003-07-21 12:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] andalus.livejournal.com
this poem was written on the back of the doodle. i dont envy the archiver who would attempt to collect my contradictions.

Date: 2003-07-21 12:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lead.livejournal.com
it's no "words dry and riderless" but it does have a certain simplistic joie de libre

Date: 2003-07-22 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mollusc.livejournal.com
see, in this you are treading your usual water between "readability" and obliqueness. You seem to think "readable" poems have no future and constantly try to add to any (unintentional?) comprehensibility a dimension of mystery. Your readers would perhaps suffer much less if you could chose one or the other: readable, heartfelt lines or enigmatic, esoteric ones. You know which I would prefer.

Date: 2003-07-22 06:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penumbral.livejournal.com
That's just a matter of opinion. Besides, there is nothing oblique about this at all, it's a very straight metaphor and the key to it is in the title, he always hides the key right in the lock for you. The relation of Shiva to the ganges and the act of purification. The failing is that it is too simple, a metaphor of insufficient power to achieve the actions it describes.

Date: 2003-07-22 06:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sencha.livejournal.com
I actually wished you could have done more with the tiny section on the angels, they're kinda lost and out of place. I know that you're more concerned with the effects than the cause so maybe you'd rather excise that little section altogether. No use hinting if you're not going to follow through.

on first reading i thought it was the angels that fell on stones, too. Maybe you ought to clarify

Date: 2003-07-22 06:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tindale.livejournal.com
Let's look at this poem, really. It was probably written in fifteen seconds as a stream of consciousness linking of symbols, symbols which the author uses over and over, water, stones, words, breaking, etc. Some might call this a personal lexicon of semiotics, I would just call it laziness. Most likely the author still had in mind some words from other poems (Such as Sylvia Plath's The Stones, or Words, which another commentator already brought up as being far superior) and strung them together in a haphazard fasion and only at the end conceived of an esoteric facade, which is why the last line seems so far removed from the others and more having to do with the title than the rest of the poem.

Date: 2003-07-22 06:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mirwa.livejournal.com
it's just a poem! A nice one, too...

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